she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need a beard to bite.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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