i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
