I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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