I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
