I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
