I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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