remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
