So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize