As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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