I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
