the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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