I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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