Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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