There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
