i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
