well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
