Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize