nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't put those talents on a resume
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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