I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
