I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize