True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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