Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
