i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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