This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
