this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
