your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
