our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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