i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
