ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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