my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
