U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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