My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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