Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
