so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
