My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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