Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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