Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
