I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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