I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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