dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am spending my child support on dildos
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
