she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
