I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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