Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
