pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
