How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
