I think I just saw someone hide a body.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
