I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
