I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
