i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
