He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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