I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
