literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
