He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
