So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
