Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
