I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
