In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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