Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
