Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
