Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
