Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
